Movie Theaters Need To Bring Back Intermissions ASAP

Last night I almost went to The Revenant for the third time and, for the third time, I backed out at the last minute. I get right to the edge of committing to two hours and 36 minutes but I can never get myself to take the plunge. I mean that’s a long time. If I went to a 6:30 showing I’d have to leave my apartment at 6 and wouldn’t be back until around 10. Who’s got four hours to commit to a movie?

That’s why we need intermissions back. It’s actually insane that we don’t already have them. Directors used to have them at the theater because they didn’t think an audience could pay attention for two hours. Well guess what, folks, our attention spans have dropped since the 1700’s. Nowadays if you can go 30 seconds without at least feeling for your phone you’re considered one of the most focused people on earth. If you don’t have an ADD script then you’ve got the concentration of a mind reader.

There’s a reason everyone can sit on their couch and watch a million episodes on Netflix but no one goes to the movies anymore, and it’s little breaks. I’ll watch five 30 minute episodes without even breaking a sweat, but the idea of sitting in a theater for two and a half hours gives me a panic attack. Throw us a fifteen minute intermission, let us grab a drink, take a piss, and check our Twitter and texts. It’s 2016 for god’s sake, making someone sit for an extended period of time without looking at their phone is literally against the Constitution. Cruel and unusual, look it up. Get intermissions aka phone check breaks going and watch the theater return to the glamorous days of packed houses and fancy dressed gentlemen. Much better than the current, decrepit state of sitting in a creaky chair that’s covered in some 15 year olds cum from the handjob he just got and oh a guy behind you is going to stab you with an AIDS needle and you’re also probably going to get lice from your chair. Intermissions will fix all of that.

I don’t even want credit or payment for this idea, American film industry. Steal it. Just make it happen and help me help you.